*As printed in the national First Baptist Church USA newsletter. * Authorities have confirmed a case of gay chemtrail infused fire ants transferring homosexuality to an unsuspecting victim in Louisville KY. The CDC wasn’t able to confirm whether transmission was achieved through a bite. (Some sources suspect forced anal sexual penetration, though no substantial evidence has come forth to date.) The following is disturbing and we ask that the faint of heart skip along to this week’s article by brother Kal Kip Kittinger, “African Americans, Not Just Bible School Baptist’s Anymore.”
Mr. Trumtran, a 62 year old deacon at Louisville First Baptist Church tested positive this week for homosexuality. Authorities have confirmed the diagnosis and also pointed to a chemtrail infused fire ant as being the original host.
Mr Trumtran was a typical God fearing, homosexual hating, father and slut shamer of two. He was by all accounts a typical Baptist deacon. He’s also a proud, lifelong money worshipper. * See edit.*
As the story goes, Mr. Trumtran had just finished his nightly cup of warm milk and pressed stop on his Joel osteen mp3 he’d made his daughter download illegally fromholytorrentz.com. He unmounted his saucer sized sharper image noise cancelling headphones from his pasty bald skull and handed his empty milk glass to Juanita, his house keeper. He patted her hand gently and in his normal fashion startled her, exclaiming in just one step below a shout, “GRACIAS JUANITO, WASHO MY GLASSO THEN GO HOME. THE MILK THAT’S BAD IS YOURS IF YOU WANT TO DIG OUT OF TRASHO.” Juanita was was born in small town Kansas, knew absolutely no Spanish, and had perfect hearing. Something she had patiently pointed out to Mr Trumtran nearly every day for the 15 years she had worked for him.
Before he stood to go to bed, he bowed his head and said his nightly prayer. It went something like this; “Dearest God, please lay your Divine protection over my family tonight Lord, and shield our estate from the Muslims and blacks sent by Obama to impregnate our daughters. Just throwing an idea out there Lord, but it may be in America’s best interest, if they all (except of course Doug, my African American racquet ball partner) were swiftly prosecuted in a court of law. I know you see their sins and crimes committed behind closed doors. Maybe you could rain down on them, old testament style Lord? Your call Lord. Your call. Amen.”
On his way to bed he gave a full attention salute and wiped any would be smudges from his framed George W. Bush Christmas card. It sat proudly in the center of the fireplace mantle next to its mate, a George Bush Sr. Christmas card. These relics were sandwiched between two more framed photos. On the right, a photo of him on his yearly endangered species hunt on a secret farm outside of Columbus, Ohio. This snapshot boasted him smiling over the top of a Bengal tiger he’d shot at 10 yards, using a high powered automatic assault rifle from the safety of an air conditioned armored tank. This was no doubt one of his proudest moments. On the left was his favorite motivational quote. A miniature black framed poster that looked like it was ripped directly from a highschool Economics classroom’s wall. “If ya can’t be the best, become the best best you can become!”- Zig Bigler. The quote was superimposed over an image of a majestic rhino. A tiny bird roosted triumphantly on the rhino’s front horn. On either side of these sat dusty outdated photos of his two daughters. His wife apparently hadn’t made the cut.
What transpired next is open to speculation. All they know is that less than one hour after entering his room Juanita reported hearing what she described as “house rave techno” music blaring from the bedroom. Baffled by what she heard, she leaned in with her ear to the bedroom door, accidently cracking itt open just enough to glimpse Mr. Trumtran ferociously dancing in his wife’s panties, stilettos, pearls, and Ms. Trumtran’s favorite “classically modest” shade of lipstick. It was at this time that Juanita witnessed, a rainbow hued fire ant scurrying from under his door. The following day Mr. Trumtran sold his brokerage firm and began drawing up plans for “a sexy as f*&k retro roller disco nightclub, with karaoke, cause that’s silly fun”. The only official statement Mr. Trumtran has given to reporters is as follows, “Oh my gaw! Hells to the naw naw! Those old full house lookin mothafu*#ers kicked me outta MY church? Those bi*#hes better check my résumé…” He then turned from reporters and continued his heartfelt choreographed routine to Meagan Trainer’s “I’m all about that bass”.
Mr. Trumtran is not expected to recover anytime soon.
As is custom, FBC church has removed all record of his serving or even attending FBC. Our children are safe for the moment. Be vigilant brothers and sisters. God Bless.
*Correction* “Money worshipper was mistakenly used in this article. It should have read, Joel Osteen follower. Our editor didn’t feel there was enough difference in the terms to warrant a direct edit.
Update: In a shocking turn of events, the FBI has announced that the origins of the homosexual chemtrail ants were traced back to Muslim terrorists funded by Iran. Intelligence has reason to believe they have stockpiles of WMG’s.(weapons of mass gayness)
Intelligence coming from sources close to President elect Trump have just confirmed that these attacks were carried out with help from illegal Mexican aliens, and redskin indians high on marijuanas and drunk on firewater. Trump’s Ambassador to non-Whites, Don Biggett, spoke out confirming that immediate laws are being drawn up to expedite construction on Trumps wall, with extra walls being built around Indian reservations so they “can’t meddle in OUR countries affairs anymore”. In addition, Joe Biden spoke out in favor of Congress asking for “a shit ton more money and troops to fund a new war on terror in Iran and thus forth any country who dares to harbor these terrorists and or WMG’s in and around their oil rich landscapes.” When President Obama and president elect Trump were asked when these laws were set to be passed, Trump responded first. “The timing will be right. You can ask anyone. I have really, really good timing”.
Obama and Biden were asked the same question by a Fox News reporter. Vice President Biden simply pointed his finger over the reporters shoulder and shouted, “Those niggas are stealing your car white boy.” When the reporter turned, he saw nothing and turned back around to see Biden giving Obama a high five as he held up the freshly signed laws shaking them in the reporter’s face like a Polaroid picture. Biden was quoted as saying, “Oooohh, you just got served fresh by the real panda panda panda, Joe n Barack! Didn’t he get served Barack? Tell him, he got-“. President Obama cut Vice President Biden off with a sigh, “Yes Joe, he got served.”
The newly signed legislation goes into effect at midnight tonight.